Step 1:  Assemble a ‘Crack Team’

-And a theme for that team.  Everything needs a theme.  For mine, I have chosen a ragtag assembly of mis-fit ladies whom I call the “Sass Branch”. They will be led by a two-bit hustler named ‘Jones’ who sends them away on my missions only to be lonely himself.  They will be renowned for their sass in situations of uncertainty.

First on my doom-roster: Baby.  Baby needs and baby takes.  Baby likes to hold on to your shoulder with his teeth and not let go when you go to the store.  Oh well.  It was totally worth it.

Sass-afrass.  This southern-belle is equally likely to open-up to you about how much she enjoyed how you took her to the debutante ball as she is to rake your skin off with her metal-tipped razor appendage hidden under her dress.  She’s a belle.  “Hi mister Franken-bot.  I see you like… electricity.  What’s that?  I shouldn’t touch it?  Now why would I do a thing like that, mister franken-bot?  Boom-Kapash!  You’ve just been razor-appendaged in half!!! How does it feel to be in two places at once?  at least now you can… multi-task!!!”

Sassparrilla.  She’s from the west.  The deep west.  Not the wild west.  The one where they exiled all the Indians to.  The bad one.  Her power is that she can make anyone, including herself, vomit on command.  An unexplained side-effect of this, however, is that whenever she walks into a room she yells her motto so as to warn of her approach.  Sass: “Yeah you go and vomit then, Richard.  I gotta go clean up the pork anyway.  You wanna get snuggly later, big cow-man?  I was-ain’t askin, you freak of nature - Kiss me!”  By the way, her life-partner is half-bison.  Some experiments you fall in love with, while the more quivering, formless ones you throw in your neighbor’s recycling bin and snicker.

SassQuatch.  Meet SassQuatch.  She is our brains and sensory apparatus.  She feels good all the time due to her morphine addiction.  It doesn’t knock out the sass, though, “Please, I’m working.  I’ve isolated a sassotope of the sassium atom, as yet unsasscovered by man.  Wont you go take a rubiks cube and drastically alter the input size of one of your orifaces, preferably one below your left humorus please thank you.”

The doctor, always passionately insensed in the crotch by such outbursts, touched SassQuatch’s shoulder the next day after lunch.  She replied, “If I didn’t know any better, I would think you are hitting on me, doctor penis, I mean Phallis.  Highly inappropriate for a laboratory.”

Wow.  It’s late. See you tomorrow, happys

_κieran.