I have never seen Terminator or any of its incarnations, which is why I am the #1 best person to Review the latest box office sum-sum hit—Terminator::::Salvation:::Explosionz.

So there’s this guy, right? His name is Jon Conr or some shit like that and he gets cryogenically frozen a la Austin Powers in the the original or Fry from Futurama, except he gets frozed back up in the 80s so he’s all trendy looking and what not. Back in the 80s he was balls-out fighting this badass war against the secret machines [not the band] that were becoming/impersonating people (kind of like Blade Runner, minus the star power but plus a juiced-UP ahhhnold). OK so Jon Conr is fighting and ahhhnold makes a big explosion (aka BoomBoom) and Conr gets all burned so they (they=Sara Conr, has her own FOX show) put aloe on him but he’s all like “oww!!!” so they put him in a box of ice but the box is super cold and he accidently freezes, and their all like “eh he was kind of annoying.” And so they put the box in the root cellar of their grandma’s cabinet out in Nevada.

20 years later, JConr wakes up and he’s all disorientated, like what year are we in??Some industrious youth/grease monkey says “2018, of course. I love your 80s style, were you inspired by the Milan runway??” and then they have one of the money sex scenes. When they’re all done and pillow talking in bed, JConz discovers that the robotz are still running rampant so he decides to renew his 80s mission of destroying robots. Flash to the machines::: they are rounding up humans concentration camp style and destroying them. Flash back to JConz::: he sets out to destroy the robots with his crack time of young grease monkey who cleans up nice, fierce asian girl, tech guy, and the other one. Then he runs into his 80s arch nemesis, Some Dude, who is running from machines. Fighting words are exchanged but their bond of humanity unites them on a deeper level. Together they go and take down the robot powers that be, all badass like. Explosions! Explosions! Explosions! Our heroes come upon one of the robot factories, there’s a human concentration-type camp set up next door. They bust in trying to rescue the humans, only to discover that the robots make other robots out of LIVE [compressed] HUMANS!!!! Robots is people!!!!!!

Fin

-AR