Location: Thrift Store in Chicago’s Wicker Park

Mood: Sober

Aging Hipsters.  “why have you force-fed poverty down your throat  for so long that you must shop here in your mid-thirties?”.

Listen, You. You walk in here with your free starbucks water. You walk around for 2 minutes and then you realize that you should be at the mall browsing the well-kempt and liver-spotty rack of Anne Taylr. Did you just want to make an appearance? Here’s 2 crederettes, now please leave me and the poor minorities alone.

This is what you look like. Only female.

Guess what the iron represents.

_kieran

I have never seen Terminator or any of its incarnations, which is why I am the #1 best person to Review the latest box office sum-sum hit—Terminator::::Salvation:::Explosionz.

So there’s this guy, right? His name is Jon Conr or some shit like that and he gets cryogenically frozen a la Austin Powers in the the original or Fry from Futurama, except he gets frozed back up in the 80s so he’s all trendy looking and what not. Back in the 80s he was balls-out fighting this badass war against the secret machines [not the band] that were becoming/impersonating people (kind of like Blade Runner, minus the star power but plus a juiced-UP ahhhnold). OK so Jon Conr is fighting and ahhhnold makes a big explosion (aka BoomBoom) and Conr gets all burned so they (they=Sara Conr, has her own FOX show) put aloe on him but he’s all like “oww!!!” so they put him in a box of ice but the box is super cold and he accidently freezes, and their all like “eh he was kind of annoying.” And so they put the box in the root cellar of their grandma’s cabinet out in Nevada.

20 years later, JConr wakes up and he’s all disorientated, like what year are we in??Some industrious youth/grease monkey says “2018, of course. I love your 80s style, were you inspired by the Milan runway??” and then they have one of the money sex scenes. When they’re all done and pillow talking in bed, JConz discovers that the robotz are still running rampant so he decides to renew his 80s mission of destroying robots. Flash to the machines::: they are rounding up humans concentration camp style and destroying them. Flash back to JConz::: he sets out to destroy the robots with his crack time of young grease monkey who cleans up nice, fierce asian girl, tech guy, and the other one. Then he runs into his 80s arch nemesis, Some Dude, who is running from machines. Fighting words are exchanged but their bond of humanity unites them on a deeper level. Together they go and take down the robot powers that be, all badass like. Explosions! Explosions! Explosions! Our heroes come upon one of the robot factories, there’s a human concentration-type camp set up next door. They bust in trying to rescue the humans, only to discover that the robots make other robots out of LIVE [compressed] HUMANS!!!! Robots is people!!!!!!

Fin

-AR

Step 1:  Assemble a ‘Crack Team’

-And a theme for that team.  Everything needs a theme.  For mine, I have chosen a ragtag assembly of mis-fit ladies whom I call the “Sass Branch”. They will be led by a two-bit hustler named ‘Jones’ who sends them away on my missions only to be lonely himself.  They will be renowned for their sass in situations of uncertainty.

First on my doom-roster: Baby.  Baby needs and baby takes.  Baby likes to hold on to your shoulder with his teeth and not let go when you go to the store.  Oh well.  It was totally worth it.

Sass-afrass.  This southern-belle is equally likely to open-up to you about how much she enjoyed how you took her to the debutante ball as she is to rake your skin off with her metal-tipped razor appendage hidden under her dress.  She’s a belle.  “Hi mister Franken-bot.  I see you like… electricity.  What’s that?  I shouldn’t touch it?  Now why would I do a thing like that, mister franken-bot?  Boom-Kapash!  You’ve just been razor-appendaged in half!!! How does it feel to be in two places at once?  at least now you can… multi-task!!!”

Sassparrilla.  She’s from the west.  The deep west.  Not the wild west.  The one where they exiled all the Indians to.  The bad one.  Her power is that she can make anyone, including herself, vomit on command.  An unexplained side-effect of this, however, is that whenever she walks into a room she yells her motto so as to warn of her approach.  Sass: “Yeah you go and vomit then, Richard.  I gotta go clean up the pork anyway.  You wanna get snuggly later, big cow-man?  I was-ain’t askin, you freak of nature - Kiss me!”  By the way, her life-partner is half-bison.  Some experiments you fall in love with, while the more quivering, formless ones you throw in your neighbor’s recycling bin and snicker.

SassQuatch.  Meet SassQuatch.  She is our brains and sensory apparatus.  She feels good all the time due to her morphine addiction.  It doesn’t knock out the sass, though, “Please, I’m working.  I’ve isolated a sassotope of the sassium atom, as yet unsasscovered by man.  Wont you go take a rubiks cube and drastically alter the input size of one of your orifaces, preferably one below your left humorus please thank you.”

The doctor, always passionately insensed in the crotch by such outbursts, touched SassQuatch’s shoulder the next day after lunch.  She replied, “If I didn’t know any better, I would think you are hitting on me, doctor penis, I mean Phallis.  Highly inappropriate for a laboratory.”

Wow.  It’s late. See you tomorrow, happys

_κieran.

do you want to have a vague conversation?
lets agree to disagree.
do you want to have a vague conversation?
just say it already.
well. 
its more random that you have a brother.
its okay, neither do I. 
do you want to have a vague conversation?
that was too confusing.
lets be more vague instead. 

-JF

picture being in a familiar room, a room you know and love, a room you often frequent. only one thing has the potentiality of destroying your nice, little room–not a stack of vintage pornos, not a big pile of shoes, not a life-size sculpture of Larry King–but a peculiar smell.

the stench of something askew throws the entire room askance.

the smell could be a slow, festering, low note that is almost indecipherable from the usual culprits of dirty laundry and cat litter box. it is there, however, because it proliferates your possessions and soon you take on this slight stench. your friends can smell it when they enter your hovel but they do not call attention because you stimulate them with your witty banter and generosity with gins. soon you carry the fetor to your car and your office. it becomes your most distinguishable characteristic.

or, the smell could be a sharp, piercing, foreign slap in the face that hits you when you open the refrigerator after leaving 4 lbs of beef hearts in a faulty tupperware and refrigerator water mingles with blood and colonies of green fuzz are established. pungent, easily allayed, and yet annoyingly lingering, like that girl you met on the bus who went home with you after seeing you adjust your sock garters.

the most annoying peculiar smells creep up on you suddenly–you come home after a long day of tapestry-weaving and your garbage can has turned into a nasty terrarium, spewing whiffs of gunk and yuck since you left for tapestry-weaving not more than 5 hours ago.

are these odors preventable? in short, no. but they can be somewhat rectified through this home remedy passed down through my family: take 3 oxtails and afix them to your tuckis. wearing nothing but oxtails, a fanny pack and three wise men flag down the nearest bear trap with your mind and then consume 5 tins of Fancy Feast. Problem will be solved in no less than 3 hours. Enjoy!

-AR

Hello,

these are the things that get me excited.

pork. I like how it is a large animal that bellows and then you cut it up and eat it. it eats garbage and screams when you pick it up. I like porks.

beeves. I also like beeves. mostly the name. they look at you with that nice, blank stare that’s a mixture of “i want to kill you” and “I love you, master”.

peafowl. They are the most magnanimous of birds. so regal. they mate by intimidation. the cock is all “im looking at you with my many eyes - you cannot escape” and the hen is all “ahhhhh im so horny!?!!!!”

bamboo flooring. It’s soooooooo white. and like a cutting board. so clean and german.

that is all for now as i have to go to a party.

θxen. Þeebles. Σrma. ρantone color books. βurnish. πewsboy. κrill. ψanton. ©ryv. Γuckus. σrangina. Ξclaire.

-ÅΓ

hello.

one day i decided to ride a tandem bicycle. But instead there was a lady watering some cement.
so i returned to HPM headquarters full of questions.
they responding by pelting me with “WRITE A BLOG ABOUT CYBORGS!!”
but. why? i dont particularly have any interest in writing about cyborgs. at least not every day. and today is my day off [of cyborgs]
after much discussion they instructed me to write about lettuce and William instead. this is not much more interesting. they are both meek and mild. and in case you dont  William, he tastes like stale sausage. and lettuce? also stale sausage.
now they are berating me with ideals that converse are the only shoes that matter. although converse are mighty nice, what about other kinds of shoes? like river boots. and dancing clogs. and snow heels. but never heelys.
chicken feet are not shoes. moon boots are only for the moon.
crazy paisly does not equal a kind of shoe. perhaps they are socks. thigh high socks. or thigh high sneakers.
can aprons be shoes? only if they hold spurs on the back. or sock garders. up to the bra. velcro bra.
hand shoes certainly do make sense, only when you are an amputee.  or a bowler.
lots of dancers wear shoes. like tap shoes. and ballet shoes. and shoes made of fish.
or shoes made out of fabric that go on top of other shoes to make them look different.
krocs arent shoes. they are full of dirty hippie soles.

-JF

well, it’s not like i did any of the work. I just yoinked a theme that looked like what i had in mind and changed it to suit my needs. the good people of wordpress also helped a little. thank you, those guys.

i’m glad im joining the internet now, and not 3 years ago so i don’t have to wrestle with codemonsters or drink a lot of spazz and listen to my programming mix which consists of darude, aphex twin and europe.

we will soon be giving you much you haven’t seen before in the way of blogs and opinions.

stay tuned.